What is Shame?
It's a very powerful emotion which has many different layers and expressions. There is often a ‘DoomsDay Scenario’ feeling around it. What did I say last night? What did I do? How do people perceive me? Add in all the personal negativity and we can feel embarrassed and worse, disgraced. Shame packs a debilitating punch with feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. Feeling shame forces us to wear a mask in society… If people knew this about me.. I would be? … Ostracised? Rejected? Ridiculed? Harrassed? Judged? We feel paralysed emotionally and are not able to fully express ourself. We want to hide and over time our posture slumps as we lean into our negative beliefs. Shame is triggered by many and various situations. It’s a feeling of not living up to someone else’s and/or our own standards.. or perhaps not aligning with societies standards or expectations. We can be shamed by our own family dynamics, by our sexuality, fetishes and desires. It can be from childhood traumas (or adult traumas!) when we carry shame around these experiences. Our Culture or Religion can also hold standards which are not in alignment with our lifestyle and the ‘fall short’ of expectations may cause great embarrassment, humiliation and shame to us. Having unexpressed or ‘unknown’ shame can lead to feelings of unworthiness and it can be harmful when not dealt with. Shame can be buried underneath expressions such as perfectionism, or continually comparing ourself to another person. People may develop avoidance mechanisms, withdrawing from family, or society. Often anxiety, depression, low self esteem and all kinds of chronic psychological and emotional challenges. We become silent! and very self critical which over time can spiral downwards into a low(er) self-image - which is not in line with who we truly are, but this we cannot see. People with a lot of shame can often develop coping habits like drinking too much and other forms of escapism, including over and under eating. This will lead to health deficiencies over time and poor immune responses, chronic stress and bodily tension. If you feel like you are suffering from Shame, it’s important to seek professional help. This type of care wether talking or somatic, will enable you to work through negative beliefs, delve into the shame and it’s beginnings and ultimately develop greater self awareness and compassion for yourself and everyone else.
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TANTRA MASSAGE (TM) is often an experience you will remember for a long time. It cultivates intimacy, openness, sensuality and deep levels of understanding and healing.
Tantra is believed to be about 5000 years old. But who really knows when the massage aspect of Tantra was developed? However, given that Tantra endeavours to anchor us into our body and truly experience life as a human on earth, it is likely that some kind of bodywork was always used. TM releases tension using deep repetitive strokes all over the body. A state of relaxation develops from the relief of stress and tensions in the body. We use breathing techniques and conscious touch which brings both giver and receiver into the present moment. It is here where anxiety and traumas can be released. This can only happen in the present moment! The breath activates the central nervous system and shakes out old holding patterns . The breath gives an opportunity for it to exit from the body. Emotions can rise up to be released and when you are held in a beautiful, steady and safe container, this process allows deep emotional healing. TM can be a very sensual experience. Sensuality and pleasure open the body to deeper intimacy with oneself (and partner if that is who you are working with.) It cultivates a deeper knowing of oneself. What stimulates, calms, excites us? What kind of pleasure and touch do we like to receive? The breathing and different expressions of touch create a connection and intimacy which when learnt can be developed in one’s own relationships, can inspire an exploration into the realms of lovemaking or paying more attention to one’s own path of pleasure. We connect more deeply with our own body and develop more awareness around our physical enjoyment. Moving the energy around the body in TM improves sensations, breathing and circulation! The whole body wakes up like never before, the body feels alive! TM is harnessing and moving the sexual, creative and spiritual energies in the body. Each practitioner you go to, will have a different energetic connection with you, so find the one you like or enjoy the vast explorations of energies with different Tantrikas. BODY TALK is not a new concept. OSHO, the Indian spiritual Master back in the 70s and 80s was talking about BodyTalk as a way to communicate with your body and also, it can be a way of healing your body. Body talk is direct communication with your body and organs.
When you first begin to relate to your body, it may seem weird or even useless as your body may not, or appear not, to communicate back to you.. Most of us tend to ignore our body unless we get pain or a part of it is not working properly. Even then we are concerned with the pain and not the message our body is sending to us. Dis-ease and ailments in the body are usually built up over long periods of time. All this time, our body has sent messages to us, but we were not aware enough to receive them. Headaches, joint pains, tummy ache, frequent colds, indigestion, bloating etc are all messages from the body which we all ignore! As well as having this beautiful 'human, physical' body, it is also a biological and chemical laboratory. When it becomes unbalanced, it sends us a message in the way of sensations or pain - if only we are sensitive enough to feel it. If you go for Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), the practitioner will immediately notice your skin palour. What colour is your skin? Is there a blue or green or yellow hue? Are there dark circles under the eyes? Pimples? And where are they situated? Colour of the eyes? And they always look at your tongue which can give insightful information about your health. Everything about your appearance means something to a TCM practitioner. S/He can read the signs and messages that your body is sending out. The beauty of Body Talk and TCM is that we bypass the stories and get straight to the imbalance.. like muscle testing in Kinesiology. To begin to communicate with your body, lie down and relax. Bring your awareness to your breath. Watch how deeply or how shallow your breath is right now. After a moment, lengthen and deepen the breath. Open the belly with the inbreathe and draw the belly in with the out breath. Stay here with the breath for a few minutes til you feel comfortable. Continue with this breath and now take your awareness to you feet. Relax into your feet. How do they feel? Is there pain? Are they cold or warm? Just noticing sensations and feelings in the feet. After a couple of minutes, tune into your legs. Bring your awareness to the sensations and feelings in the legs. Is there aching? Pain of any kind? Stay here for a few minutes. Now move up to the buttocks… and so on and so on. When you have finished buttocks, go to the back, arms, hands, abdomen, chest, neck, face and whole head. Now scan the body for pain - as a form of messages, or any sensations that are not usually there. Breathe into the sensations or pain and wait. Then ask your pain, what do you/I want to say to me? Or ask in any way that suits you. Wait for the answer. Perhaps a memory comes to you, or an insight to the reason why the pain and sensations are there. This may take a little practice, but by tuning into your body often, you will soon learn to listen as soon as something goes out of balance. Mantak Chia is a very well know Taoist Master. He has a practice called - The Inner Smile - where we tune into our organs, stay breathing into them for a while and then ‘turn up the corners of the lips’ and smile to the organs. Over time, you’ll feel as the organs respond to this smile and how the organs are happy when you focus on them! We are basically making friends with our body. Over a few weeks, you’ll feel how your body responds to your attention. It will deepen your relationship with yourself and you’ll have much more compassion for yourself. Be kind to your body and be kind to you. When young and in Love going on a date is a big deal. Once ensconced in a relationship, many people no longer bother with it. There maybe regular outings, a pub with music or going to see a concert.. But with time, this also becomes habitual. Habits can lead to stagnation in relationship. Even though many people scoff at Date Night - I think it can be a time to get creative.
Setting aside quality time with your partner - away from kids, work and other commitments allows time to find the original connection before the hustle and bustle of life sets in. It gives an opportunity to bond and to communicate on a deeper level. There are many different ways to surprise one another, think up exciting things to do together, wether Romantic or shared interests like climbing a mountain together. Doing something where the chemistry is ignited and the relationship is infused with new energy, fun and laughter. It can be a space for open communication, sharing feelings in a relaxed setting. It can also become a time for trying out new activities together. It gives opportunity to grow and evolve in the relationship. Often partners can become stuck in a role and the evolution of the relationship ends. Perhaps one person grows and the other gets left behind.. this may cause resentment and a gap occurs between the couple. Date Night can give fabulous opportunity to develop intimacy. Setting aside time to make love, to try out Tantrik practices together or new sexual curiosities. Just this can draw couples closer together. It develops emotional and physical closeness, it ignites the passion and can keep the relationship exciting and sustainable. Spend time thinking about the Date Night. Be Creative, step out of the comfort zone and add new dimensions into the love aspect of your life. Doing this can truly add depth to your relations fostering deeper connections and understanding. Making memories and living an evolving and blossoming journey together. Being a Tantrika, one of the main reasons people come for TANTRA MASSAGE - as well as the fact that it’s immensely pleasurable!! - is that they are touch deprived, actually STARVED of any form of conscious touch.
It’s a well known fact that babies and children who receive lots of hugs and touch, will thrive in comparison to those that don’t. But it doesn’t stop there. During covid many people went into depression and many took their own life due to isolation and lack of human contact. This predicament is very real. When babies are born, skin to skin contact with the Mother is crucial for bonding. The baby smells the Mother, the milk and already knows the sounds and movements of the Mother from being carried for 9 months. Hugs and gentle touch are so important for the healthy development of the infant. It’s emotional and physical growth, it’s cognitive functioning and the development of the Nervous System. Touch is a non verbal communication. All kinds of emotions are expressed through touch. So be sure of your feelings when holding a little one. Any hatred, anger, anxiety is as easily passed on as love, contentment and joy. As adults, hugs, or putting an arm around a friend, or handshakes all contribute to developing friendships and building a communal feeling amongst friends. With Lovers, touch has the capacity to build intimacy and connection. It is the physical way we express our love and sensuality to one another. We develop empathy for each other and the bond deepens over time. With friends and family, touch can give a sense of security and comfort. People often go for massage because touch releases endorphins. It is good for pain relief! It also lowers cortisol levels and allows the body to relax. Gentle touch releases the ‘love and bonding’ hormone - oxytocin. Adding some soothing music and breathing a little deeper than normal can sweep away negative thoughts. Touch is a fundamental aspect of being human - and human development. Connection, building friendships, releasing stress, feelings of support and empathy, feelings of being part of the human race. Touch helps us to learn, to become more centred and have a stronger belief in ourselves. There is a downside though. NOBODY likes unwanted, unasked for TOUCH! Be sure when you’re communicating through touch that it is acceptable to the receiver. NEVER EVER push your touch onto another person. This is a violation and can destroy lives. In the West, especially but not only in the ‘healing’ and ‘spirituality’ arena, there is a move to intentionally explore ‘self care.’
So what is it and how does it work? Self care? It’s a practice of awareness around one’s actions to stay centred, open and conscious in any given situation. It is the practice of feeling in the moment and choosing how to act and respond. It’s an important aspect of improving or maintaining one’s mental, emotional and physical well being. It involves many aspects of life, but often it’s about human interaction and bringing awareness to our own patterns and ‘reactions’ therefore opening to the possibility of intense personal growth. Creating boundaries for oneself is a valuable first step, thereby creating space to actually think about our needs. It’s also being mindful of sleeping well, eating well and engaging in activities which bring more pleasure and calm into everyday life. ‘Self care’ is a positive and necessary path for maintaining overall well being. Opening to self compassion is necessary. Creating time for oneself can trigger all kinds of feelings like guilt or feeling selfish until we understand the benefits of what we're embarking on.. Putting oneself first? Yes, this involves choosing to prioritise one’s own needs, to stay focused on our goals and to think about our own well being. To do this we need a healthy self interest which is important for personal growth. The challenge here is finding the fine line between self care and consideration for others. Selfishness? Under the guise of ‘self care’, selfishness comes in when prioritising one’s own goals, interests and desires at the expense of others. Choosing our own self interest to the detriment of others perhaps for personal gain. This will have negative consequences in personal relationships and social interactions. Narcissism? Although this is an extreme behaviour, it’s worth mentioning. Narcissism is recognised by the traits of a heightened sense of self importance. Being excessively focused on oneself and a sense of entitlement. There is a lack empathy and disregarding the needs of others. There is also a desire - a need - for attention and admiration. There can be an obsession with their own beauty, success and power. Manipulation and exploitative behaviour are often part of the personality which causes an inability to form genuine, beneficial relationships. In conclusion, putting oneself first through self care is a positive and life affirming practice. Selfishness and narcissism usually have a negative impact on those around. So the balance is in self care and genuine consideration for others to continue healthy and fulfilling relationships. A Personal Practice usually refers to a routine which we design and develop for ourself and one which we do on a regular basis. We have a Personal Practice for self development, wether it’s enhancing our skills or training ourself on a mental, emotional, physical or spiritual level. We develop discipline by engaging in it regularly as well as stamina and motivation.
Personal practices take many forms: Yoga and Meditation. Many types of Spirituality, Mindfulness and Religious practices such as Prayer or joining a Religious community to share the practice. Physical Exercise - Going to the Gym, it can become a meditative practice for many people. Jogging, Martial Arts and all activities which enhance discipline and fitness and overall well-being. Artistic Expression including sketching, sculpting, pottery, painting, needlework, learning a musical instrument. Wonderful ways to develop creativity and ignite the right side of the brain. Journaling helps to track our thoughts and holding patterns. It can help to unburden ourself by writing what we truly feel inside but which we may not be able to express outside. Although Personal Practice will look different with every person, it brings a multiple of positive attributes. Personal growth.. It contributes to continual learning about ourself and the practice we’re involved in. Stress relief by taking us out of our mundane activities into that which we enjoy. Focus - wether in a creative expression, fitness or spiritual development, each one piques our attention. Sleep quality is improved. We become more emotionally resilient when we give time to ourself and stay involved into that which gives us pleasure and a sense of achievement. Certain practices give us time for self reflection and can build self awareness. Dropping into personal practice can help us to cope when life becomes challenging. Ultimately Personal Practice gives us time with our inner world. It often has a calming effect on us or a way to enhance our life. It helps us to get to know what we like and dislike and sometimes we can share what we’ve learnt with others. I find a personal practice to be grounding and it keeps me centred. Self Abandonment is when we neglect and disregard our own feelings, thoughts, instincts and values in any given situation. We put the needs, wants and desires of other people before our own. This is detrimental to oneself on a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual level. Without realising it, we are compounding the belief of not being worthy, of not being important and we’re there as an observer of life, a cheerleader or follower of other people.
We abandon ourself by suppressing our feelings, continually looking outside for validation, ignoring our own intuition, not taking care of ourself and by self-judgement. Self Abandonment is generally developed in childhood. It is so natural, so much a part of us that we don’t know we’re doing it. It’s hard to access and understand the damage it’s doing to us. Including, but not limited to - distraction from deep and painful feelings and lowered self esteem because we don’t trust ourself to make the right decisions. It takes a great deal of self analysis and self reflection to start catching ourself in the act! Self Abandonment is probably how we’ve always behaved. It’s ‘normal’ for us, so we have issues with asserting ourself, being heard, setting boundaries and seeing the importance of our own needs and this can lead to resentment, hopelessness and low self worth. Recognising the patterns of Self Abandonment is key so we can start the journey of exploration, healing and change. Meditation or self reflection is a good place to start, but also the help of an experienced therapist to support us can help a great deal and keep us on track. Journaling can be valuable to track reoccurring patterns. Talk to trusted friends and family so they can support you and give you feedback and insights that are in the shadow. Educate yourself about it! We have to cultivate a healthy relationship with ourself by taking personal responsibility. It’s a continual study of our actions so we can bring our own needs to the fore. Sometimes, we think we don’t have any needs, but they are waiting to be discovered! Have compassion for yourself, it’s a process that will yield great personal rewards. In the West the role of the Mother unfortunately appears to be losing importance. Perhaps because of Women’s Liberation, or women going to work and choosing financial independence and autonomy. Perhaps there’s greater conspiracy of deliberate driving towards dissolution of the family. Whatever it is, there is a breakdown of family life and more children are being brought up by just one parent.
Psychologists believe that children need their Mother for bonding and development until they’re at least 7 years old, after that they are looking out into the world and developing their own personality and independence.. More and more women are choosing to live their life without children. This is understandable considering the emotional and financial outgoings of having a child, especially in a one parent family. The struggle is real! Mother, as primary caregiver provide emotional and physical care influencing the child’s cognitive, emotional and social development. Her unconditional love gives a sense of security allowing the child to deal with life’s challenges. She also plays a key role in education, encouraging the child’s intellect and curiosity. She’s the child’s first role model and she passes her traditions and life values and attitudes in the first few years. Mother’s often become involved in the community, helping at school, the broader community, sports, volunteering, theatre and many other activities which provide a wealth of opportunity for children to learn from. Mother’s also have responsibility to work if needed, and balance that with Homelife. The contributions from Mother’s in shaping not only her children, but her family and the greater community are enormous.. what would we do without them?? Without women, there will be no people. Every person on the planet has come out of a woman, mostly through the birth canal, but with dogmatic medical intervention, it is changing rapidly with caesarian sections becoming very common. I believe all women are capable of giving birth naturally, however, medical intervention continually disempowers women and handing over responsibility of the birth, she lacks courage and stamina to go through the natural birthing process. During the natural birthing process, a woman transforms from a Maiden to a Mother. It can be a portal of bliss, a cosmic expansion of mind and emotions and it changes the woman irrevocably. I believe it’s an initiation on the woman’s journey. The one becomes two and like a lioness with her cubs, will do anything to protect her young. Yesterday, I saw a young woman with one baby at her breast, pushing a pram, a child walking beside her and she was walking her dog. Nobody looked at her in awe at what she’s done in the last 3 to 4 years. What it takes for a woman to gestate and give birth to one baby, then breastfeed it. ‘For every child - a tooth’ - a saying which understands the nutritional deposit needed by a woman to produce a child. It’s true that it’s all natural, but it’s also miraculous. A miracle that goes unnoticed in society except for those doing it themselves. Recently I saw a video clip of ‘babies’ in a ‘perspex womb.’ Scientists were saying this is something we can expect in the future as well as choosing the colour and build of our baby.. designer babies. (I’m sure ‘they’ve’ already done it if it’s being put out on social media.) .. But at what cost? The miracle of the baby developing in the womb, comforted by the mother’s heartbeat. Fed and nurtured by the life of the mother. Going through the very important process of being born through the birth canal, our entry into life is extremely important on a mental, emotional, physical and spiritual level. Just as a chick dies if it cannot break its own shell, so a baby (and Mother) must find the inner strength to birth as naturally as possible. Being human is important. We are not robots, we have feelings, ideas, emotions, sensations. We are living, walking miracles. Be kind to pregnant women. Offer your seat, help with her bags. Make her experience easier. You came from a woman just like her. She is vulnerable and needs support. See the miracle in front of your eyes. If you’re into Health and Wellness, you’ve probably heard of Ayurveda, which is a traditional system of medicine from India.
In this system of medicine, there is - Panchakarma - which is a set of therapeutic procedures with the purpose of purifying and detoxifying the body.. as well as the mind and emotions. It balances the three Doshas, Vata, Pitta and Kapha, simply put, three energies or elements in the body. Panchakarma is tailored to suit the patient. The Ayurvedic Doctor will take a detailed history of your life and then design a plan to suit your constitution, health concerns you have and any imbalances in the body. It also effects the physiological and psychological aspects and functions in the body. ‘Panchakarma’ translates to ‘five actions’ in Sanskrit as it consists of 5 main rejuvenating and cleansing treatments. Basti - herbs and oils used in an enema to balance out the Vata Dosha. Nasta - medicinal powders or oils introduced through the nasal passages to cleanse and treat conditions in the respiratory system and the neck and head. Rakta Mokshana - bloodletting (although not always practised today) of a small amount of blood to purify the blood and balance the Doshas. Vamana - controlled vomiting to remove excess kapha dosha from the respiratory tract. Virechana - purging with herbs to cleanse the intestines to remove excess Pitta Dosha. There are procedures offered over 3 or 5 days for specific body areas, but if you want a deep overall rejuvenation, you would start at 3 weeks. Here, you will be accommodated and fed on a tailored diet. This retreat will give time to reflect, rest and time for healing. There are many reasons why a person might go for Panchakarma. Detoxification from poor diet, poor food and water, living in a toxic or industrial environment. Panchakarma purifies the body and balances the energies improving the overall well being. Panchakarma is good for managing disease, for people dealing with specific health problems. It works as a complementary therapy, balancing Doshas, it reduces stress, calms the nerves, rebalances the body promoting natural well being and longevity. It rejuvenates the body enhancing vitality and clears the mind. Panchakarma also is used for weight management. There are different oils, powders and massage especially for this. It’s important that you find a fully trained, qualified retreat, resort and Doctor who can supervise your journey in Panchakarma. It is carefully managed and there are trained practitioners who do all the procedures. |
AuthorThis is an opportunity for me to write about life situations which are close to my heart. Let's see where this goes!! Archives
April 2024
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